Arghhhhhhhhh!!! . I feel like I want to kill myself! . Pernah tak rasa macam kau dah tersilap cakap kat orang lepas tu macam !@#$^^&*^%$##%$^&(&^%$ tapi tak boleh nak buat apa sebab dah tercakap then orang tu tak ada mood dengan kau . Arghhhhhhh!! . Seriously selama ni aku tak kisah sangat bila dah jadi macam tu . Tapi ni sebab dah jadi kat someone yang aku betul-betul care aku rasa macam TOTAL SHIT .
Cerita nya begini :
bla bla bla bla kami tengah cerita pasal one member ni dengan girlfriend die yang memang la amat lovey dovey nya . Hari-hari on time talipon girlfriend kesayangan . Tepat pukul 6 mesti dah terpacak depan talipon nak talipon girlfriend . Sanggup member ajak main game dia tolak sebabnye nk gayut dengan girlfriend . Nak pulak berjam-jam . Bukan pukul 6 je hari-hari sampai 3-4 kali . So kami pun cerita la pasal member ni .
Aku cakap la :
Kalau aku jadi girlfriend dia mmg bosan la yang amat . Sebabnye hari-hari pun macam dah ada jadual . Dah ada plan . Ok time begini-begini nak talipon . Time begini-begini mesti dah duduk depan talipon . Bosan tak . And then every day pulak macam tu sampai 2-3 jam . Kalau aku lah memang bosan gila . Tak adventure lah orang kata kan . Bagi aku relationship ni tak perlu kita atur . Let it happen . Yes effort to stay in a relationship is a must . But you have to enjoy it . Bukan rasa macam terpaksa kan . But one good thing member kami ni he is so caring and very attentive to his girlfriend . Sebab itu la dia bercinta dengan girlfriend die dari sekolah sampai da abis degree ni . Dengar cerita nak kawin dah tahun ni . Alhamdulillah . Certain orang ada perangai macam ni . Tapi ada pulak certain orang perangai macam aku .
Dan macam si dia ni . Kami berdua memang sama pun . Dia pun berpendapat macam aku jugak . Okay , senang cerita kalau ada relationship antara kami relationship tu mungkin akan karam di laut . Sebab nya apa yang aku buat dia pun buat . Kalau aku tak serius dia pun tak serius lah . But, that's not the case . Because I do care about him . And I want to be serious with him but not to the point where a relationship will change what we have now . Aku tak nak dengan adanya relationship, this whatever thing special thing going on between us gone . I feel very comfortable like this . Biarlah tak ada declaration of love pun . Biarlah what we have is us . The word couple could never define what we have . And maybe because of that I accidentally spoke it just now to him .
How it happened :
Disebabkan kisah member aku ni, aku pon cakap la yang ak ni cepat bosan dengan orang . Yes, that is my natural habit . I can't help it if I find someone not fun or not exciting anymore . Betul . Kadang-kadang bila rasa kita dah lama dengan orang tu kan kita akan rasa bosan . I'm sure everybody feel that . So terbuka lah kisah lama pasal ex aku . Yeah , aku pon cerita lah ex aku dulu, aku putus dengan dia sebab ak rasa bosan . Tiba-tiba tak ingat dah berapa lama aku mintak putus sebab bosan .
Then datang lah mulut celupar aku ni aku cakap "Ha, nasib baik aku tak bosan lagi dengan kau" . You know what happened ? . He just silent . Silent . As in no words coming out from the mouth . Nada . And believe me, before I said that he was talking about our friend there . So yeah . What happened exactly?
The part where I feel like such a bloody idiot :
So I sent him home and we stop infront of his house . Before that mind you guys, he actually took the wrong road to his own house . Ya betul, salah jalan . Macam mana nak balik rumah sendiri boleh salah jalan . Faham tak macam mana . Owh lupa nak bagi tahu . He's the one driving . So die pun pusing patah balik nak ke rumah die . Sampai lah nak ke rumah dia tu , aku seorang je yang bercakap . Sampai depan rumah dia , dia bukak pintu , aku pun sempat mintak external hard disk aku yang dia pinjam , macam orang tak ada perasaan tu , dia pun kata ok , masuk rumah , ambil external , datang dekat kereta aku , bagi external then cakap "Okay balik elok-elok" . 2 minutes .
In the span of that 2 minutes , I realized that I had said something that upset him . Barulah aku sedar apa yang aku dah cakap yang membuatkan dia tak ada mood or bahasa senangnye sentap . Ohmaiii...
Why he's probably upset :
Well, truthfully I don't know why he's upset . Aku tahu apa yang aku cakap tu agak kasar tapi salah ke? . Memang betul pun aku ni jenis yang cepat bosan dengan orang . Then aku dah berkawan rapat (I still don't know what to call us) dengan die dah lebih 9 bulan . Sebelum ni kawan lebih lama lagi dari tu tapi rapat yang tahap scandalous macam ni 9 bulan la . Every single day we text each other . And we're practically glued to the phone . And we talk everything . Everything . I've never had that much enthusiasm with someone . Dia ni lah satu-satunya orang yang buat aku rasa tak bosan . And that's the truth . And I'm happy because I like him and he's fun . He makes me laugh . I can't ask for more .
But the way I said it , itu yang membuatkan dia rasa macam aku still dengan dia sebab aku rasa tak bosan dengan die . Nanti bila aku rasa bosan aku dah tak nak kawan dengan dia . Maybe . I think he must have understood it that way . Or is there any other reason? . I seriously don't know . Hati lelaki ni rumit kan . Jangan kata hati perempuan je . Perempuan lebih mudah untuk dibaca hatinya sebab dia lebih senang menampakkan perasaan die pada raut wajah . Tetapi lelaki, apa yang dia rasa dia simpan . Betul tak? .
Hurghhhh .. How am I going to solve this? . Aku ni sangatlah bodoh bab-bab hati .
"Dia hanya memanfaatkan diriku"
Am I like that? Aku ni jahat ke sebenarnya? This things keep happening to me, to a point where I think I'm good at breaking people's heart. :(
Update :
Actually after I published this post at 3 am , I got a text from him around 5 am , saying that he couldn't follow me back to Klang but I was asleep so I didn't reply his text . Then later around 6 am he text me again "Huhu tak reply pon . Takpela aku tidur dulu . Nanti message banyak kau bosan pulak" . Just like that . Needless to say I hit my head on the wall 10 times , slit my hands 2 times , busting my lips with a paddle brush countless times . So yeah . He's upset is an understatement . It's like he's pretty much hurt . Gawd! I'm such an idiot!