When my friends are engaged and to be married, for me that was the happy moments for me. Yeah, any friends should be happy for their friends happiness right. It doesn't matter for me if we both have a past, a history. Friends stays forever. So I was shocked to know that one of my friends were engaged and I didn't know anything about it until my other friends told me that this fella had been engaged for months. I literally had a heart attack, my heart jumps out of my ribcage and I swear my face looks like a deer caught in headlights.
I'm happy for him you see. Because before he was engaged he had expressed his feelings for me and I rejected him. We had been in that situation for about a year where there was several times where he proposed me but every single time I said no. So it's a long time. People thought that we were a thing but actually we're not. Never was. Things not quite good during those days. There's even a point of awkwardness between us because some bad things happened. We had a big argument and that ended things. But even that, we're still friends until today. So when I knew that he was engaged recently, I truly felt happy for him.
You see, I like being friends with people. Some of my friendships are platonic. But when things went too far, when they asked to be my boyfriend, I always run. I'm not afraid of relationship.. I'm just not ready. I don't know if I can commit. To commit in a relationship, to be with one person fully give your heart to them, I don't know if I can do that. I want to find someone special. But more importantly I want to find someone that I know I can commit. And I still haven't find that person. Yes, maybe there's a conflict of statement where in my previous post I said that I gave a part of me to someone. What I gave to that person was my feelings. My feelings are apart of me. That's an entirely different from giving commitments. Because I assure you that the only reason I will commit to someone is that I love that person and I'm sure that he is the one. So having a deep feelings and in love are two completely different things. I know that now. I've learnt my lesson.
So when things ended between me and my friend there, it's not good. I knew from my other friends that he was so upset and I literally broke his heart. I felt guilty. So guilty because I know I'm a bad person. I kept saying no to him but I never make clear of things between us. In a way, I was leading him on. But when things truly ended, I turned from special friends to 'just friends'. I quit telling my problems to him. I quit seeing him or texting him. Sometimes I ignored him. I did that because I don't want to lead him on again. It breaks my heart to do it to a friend but I had to. I continued doing it until recently where I knew that he was engaged.
What makes me marveled the situation right now is that, why am I the last person among our friends that knew he was engaged? He didn't tell me straight to my face you know. I had to know from other friends. Why is that? I think I had the right to know. And given our history, he should tell me the truth. I think I deserves that decency. I never expect anything from him. Just the truth from his mouth telling me that he had moved on, so I can sleep at night peacefully knowing that he had found someone else and were happy. He told our friends except me. I thought that I'm his friend?
I'm not mad at him you know. How can I be mad? I mean a big part of me actually felt relieved that now I'm finally off the burden. I'm no longer that person who broke his heart. I'm no longer the bad person that his friends sees. I'm not even upset. I'm happy for him. Truly happy. I just wish that he told me sooner.
"I Hope You Find It" - Miley Cyrus
And I hope you find it,
What you're looking for
And I hope it's everything you dreamed your life could be
And so much more
And I hope you're happy, wherever you are
I wanted you to know that
And nothing's gonna change that
And I hope you find it